JOKES
A
new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're
stupid,
stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The
teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
Little
Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing
there all by yourself."
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A
woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said.
"What's
your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of
cigarettes
a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty
foods,
and never exercise." "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are
you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
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An
elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many
little
things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous,
as
one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a
fire.
So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician
told
them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes
as
reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the
doctor's
office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife
said,
"Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream?
And
why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the
husband,
"I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like
some
strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries.
I
can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.
Now
you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now,
my
memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream
with
strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen
door
behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making
some
noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries,
and
whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking
over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The
wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said,
"Hey,
where's the toast?"
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A
blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all about to be executed by firing squad.
The
executioner dragged the redhead into the execution yard, gave her a cigarette
and
blindfold, and asked her if she had any last words. The redhead pointed into
the
distance and replied,"Look out- TORNADO!" The entire firing squad quikly
turned
and looked. When they turned back around, the rehead was gone! So then
the
brunette was dragged before the guns and asked whether she had any last words.
The
brunette replied, "look out TYPHOON!" The entire firing squad quikly turned and looked. When they turned back around,
the brunette was gone. Once again the blonde got dragged before the guns blindfolded and asked whether she had
any last words. Having witnessed what her fellow prisoners on death row had done, the blonde thought for a second and
shouted at the top of her voice "FIRE!!!" And so they did.
A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new
doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and
demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and
you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?"
Some years ago, a retrospective showing of Pablo Picasso's works was held at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. Nearly
a thousand of Picasso's works were displayed in chronological order, beginning when he was a very young boy. The early works
were traditional landscapes and still-life's. Then, as the artist advanced in age, brilliant colors began to emerge, and the
still-life's were no longer very still. Finally, of course, the works turned into the kind of bold, zesty abstractions for
which Picasso is best known.
One art critic who saw the show recalled that once, when Picasso was eighty-five, he
was asked the reason why his earlier works were so solemn and his later works so ecstatic and exciting.
"How do you explain it?" asked the interviewer.
"Easily," Picasso responded. "It takes a long time to become young!"
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied
another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
